And I didn’t know what to do

I was so used of being alone and blue

And I was shocked to realize one thing

That yes, I am deeply in love with you.

Posted on December 17, 2009

2 years ago I was a mess.
I flit from one relationship to another just to find some fun out of my youth.
I binge on alcohol like there’s no tomorrow and smoke pot as if my life depends on it.
Not that I consider drinking or doing pot or being in a relationship with assholes a bad thing – I don’t.
It’s just that though I feel it was the right thing at the moment, I feel like I’ll always be a mess.
That I’ll never be good enough, that I’ll never be pretty enough, that I’ll always be the last person to be loved by the boys that I like.

2 years ago, I was an unrequited hopeless romantic.
I love the thought that I am in love though the feeling of being neglected is always felt.
I always ask myself, why do I hurt so badly when all I do is love?
It’s just recently that I understood the true reasons why.

2 years ago, I was insecure and scared.
I didn’t know when to hold on or when to let go.
The sad part of this is that I didn’t know whom to hold on to.
I am confused and I always feel that I am alone.

2 years ago, I didn’t believe that it’s possible to love someone and be loved in return.
With the same intensity, with the same depth.
I didn’t know that life can be meaningful.
That a day can pass by without a fight.
That being in a room in silence doesn’t have to make you feel vulnerable and scared that you will be left alone.
And that sometimes, silence is a good thing.

2 years ago, I was in love with assholes that treat me like dirt.
I was addicted to assholes that play with my emotions and trust.
Pot that destroys my sanity.
Booze that makes me irrational.
Cigarettes that kills my lungs.

2 years ago I am lost.
I’m not sure who I am and what I’ll be.

2 years ago, I am selfish.
I am unwilling to share my heart only my body and emotions.

2 years ago I am hopeless.
That is until I marry you.
You changed my life and made me believe that everything has its reasons.
That love really is magical.
That life spent with you is beautiful.
That simply being with you is a blessing and a miracle.
That even though you know how erratic I am most of the time, you still try to understand me.

And for that, I should love you more than I love you now.

Thank you for your patience.

For your love.

For your kindness.

For your respect.

For your trust.

For your faith.

For your friendship.

For your companionship.

For your laughter.

For your smile.

Above all, thank you for being with me in that hot room 2 years ago,
Holding my hand with only our 3 friends bearing witness,
Making a pact to love each other till death do we part.
I wish to keep the oath we took until my last breath and I know you will too.

Happy 2nd anniversary honey.

I love you. Forever. For always.